May 24, 2006

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Wednesday, May 24, 2006
† ALL THIS FOR A KING †

I am pleased to announce that my BLOG has become a VOX and has been moved.
PLEASE JOIN ME AT HTTP://ALLTHISFORAKING.VOXTROPOLIS.COM
VOXTROPOLIS is the next generation of online networking and you can join in at votropolis.com!

posted by kiriaze at 3:55 PM 0 comments

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Monday, May 08, 2006
Philippians 1:3

I thank my God every time I remember you.
- Philippians 1:3

There’s this old quote, “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for a while and leave footprints in our hearts and we are never the same.” As cheesy as this quote is, it is true, especially when I think of one of my favorite people, one of my closest friends - David. It is when you find a true friend, that you actually find yourself. Because a true friend is willing to show you who you truly are - strengths and weaknesses - and continuously dare you to become all that God intended you be. They long to unleash the uniqueness and creativity within and see you thrive.

 

 

As I reflect on such an amazing person and great friend, I am indebted, filled with overwhelming gratitude. And so it is, that I truly thank my God, every time I remember him.

posted by kiriaze at 9:04 AM 0 comments

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Sunday, April 16, 2006
Psalm 66:16

Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
- Psalm 66:16

COME AND LISTEN
- David Crowder*Band
COME AND LISTEN, COME TO THE WATER’S EDGE
ALL YOU WHO KNOW AND FEAR THE LORD
COME AND LISTEN, COME TO THE ATER’S EDGE
ALL YOU WHO ARE THIRSTY, COME
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR ME
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR YOU
HE HAS DONE FOR YOU, HE HAS DONE FOR US
COME AND LISTEN, COME AND LISTEN TO WHAT HE’S DONE
PRAISE OUR GOD FOR HE IS GOOD
HE HAS DONE FOR ME, HE HAS DONE FOR YOU, HE HAS DONE FOR US

I sat on the stairs that entered the baptistery and reflected on the decision I had made as the water lapped against my feet. And then I heard the music start, “…Come and listen, come to the water’s edge, all you who are thirsty, come. Let me tell you what He has done for me, for you, for us. Come and listen to what He’s done…” And it hit me, like a ton of bricks, that this was something huge that I was about to do, professing to the community around me that my life is His and I identify myself with Jesus - in His death and in His life. My family and friends took up a section of three rows in the front of the church. They had come to listen to what He has done in my life. There were other friends scattered around the church, all who were there to support what He has done in my life. I realized in that moment, how much He truly has done for me, and what He is doing for those around me. So, I sat there, at the water’s edge thanking Him for all He has done. I sat at the water’s edge knowing the story of brokenness that I was going share, but even more confident that His grace and mercy cover me. I stepped down into the baptistery with Pastor Randy, and as I looked out I sensed a peace I had never had before. I had prayed for a sense of peace as I spoke, but this was overwhelming peace like I’ve never experienced. I was in His presence I knew in that moment that He was delighting in me.

Today I have chosen to be believer baptized as a response to Jesus’ love for me and because He has moved me to stand before you today and share a piece of my story.

I attended church with my mom growing up and believed that my profession of faith came when she died suddenly when I was 16 and I continued to go to church on my own. I attended a church that taught religion, not about how to follow Jesus. I lived for years, content with my understanding and knowledge, but my heart was distant from Jesus and self-reliant.

After studying abroad for a year in college, my heart became uneasy. I felt empty, as though I was missing something deep within. When I returned to the states, I was invited to church with a friend. And it was there that I saw people who trusted their lives to Jesus. I could sense a pull on my heart, and no matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t help but respond. It was there and then I entrusted my life to the one who gave His life for me.

I now had a joy that words could not express. But there was also a tension – between the expression of religion I had grown up believing, and the reality of faith I had just encountered. I had surrendered my life to Jesus, but I was still driven by the need to have others like and accept me. It was so unhealthy for me. I tried so hard to become something people would love. I was afraid that those I looked up to would reject me. I felt so alone and I thought I was the only one who struggled with the fear of rejection and the fear of failure.

It was then, that Jesus whispered to me the words found in the Gospel of John, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. ‘I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing…’”I believed for so long that I had to work hard as proof that Jesus lived in me, but He said to me, “You are mine, I have chosen you. You are forgiven, you are daughter, you are my beloved.â€? And I realized that all he wanted was me. He wasn’t concerned with all that I could do, or what I brought to Him, as long as I brought myself and was willing to yield to His Spirit within me. It was all about the relationship with Him – to know Him and be known by Him.

Now that I have trusted my life to Jesus, I know He’s called me to live a life that matters – a life of adventure and RISK. He calls me from darkness to Himself, to be a light in a dark world. He’s healing my deep wounds and calling me to be a wounded healer. He calls me from shame to grace through His cross to delight in others and to learn to be delighted in. He calls me chosen. He calls me forgiven. He calls me daughter. He calls me beloved. And as an expression of my soul’s desire, I am excited to be baptized this Easter morning.

† ALL THIS FOR A KING †

posted by kiriaze at 10:20 PM 1 comments

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Wholly Yours

I hate it, and yet I love it - for all the wrong reasons. (And right now I’m learning the power of my words and I really don’t like the word hate because it is so strong and so powerful, and because we frequently misuse the word we truly don’t understand the impact that this four letter word can have on our lives. And in using it to describe anything besides pure evil, it becomes easier to use in regards to things and then people, and that becomes potentially very dangerous. But nonetheless, I think I’m safe in this regard… ) It’s purely a control thing. It’s about me, just me. Of course it has to do with the influence others have or could have in my life, but it’s about what I can do about their influence. It’s about safety and comfort. It’s about potential pain and hiding. It’s about fear…paralyzing fear.

These past couple of days I’ve wanted to just stay here in my own world, in isolation from people - safe and comfortable, or uncomfortable.

I hate making commitments in my mind, a resolution, and then actually having to follow through. And when Jake answered his phone and said “Yes there’s youth group tonight” I knew I had to go, no matter how badly I wanted to stay in isolation by myself. Agghh, why did he have to answer his phone? Why did youth group have to kick off again tonight? Why not next week? Why did I have to follow through and go? I think that tonight was the earliest I’ve ever shown up, and I was only 5 minutes early. And then I felt completely out of place, like I didn’t belong. So I questioned all the more why I had come in the first place. Why did I have to tell Jake that I’d be there? I knew I needed a better attitude, and so I tried - really tried. Jake finally started his talk, which was fueled by Jason’s talk on Sunday. (I wish even more now that I had made it to church on Sunday. I have waited to hear Jason preach and finally he did and I didn’t show up…and just as I suspected, I heard it was profound and that he is a great preacher.)

What does it mean when you believe or feel something with your heart? I think there’s something about the peace and contentment…Well, I’ve learned through my study and in my own life that the heart truly is central to everything. Within the heart is motive and desire. In 1 Samuel 16, God chooses David as the King of Israel, which is not the realistic or rational choice, but we learn “the Lord does not look at the things that man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Jake talked about what happens when we submit our hearts to God. That in doing so we find satisfaction solely in Him that is so profound that it fills the void in our heart. He asked if we love God with all our hearts, and if we would love him with all our hearts if everything else in our lives fell to pieces.

And then it hit me. For many reasons I feel like my life is falling to pieces and my heart is in pieces…and my response is isolation - to prevent further pain and suffering, to maintain control. And I hate this selfish response within my own heart. I hate this paralyzing fear. I hate this self-destructive pattern - that to prevent future pain, I will now isolate myself from others by my own choice, rather than allowing them to define or redefine later on, causing what I can suspect would be greater pain.

Can I love God with my heart in the midst of this - all of this? Can I love God with my heart even when I feel like my heart is breaking? Can I love God with my heart when I realize all I will be giving up to serve others in his name? Can I love God with my heart when I feel like God has forgotten me?

What do you mean when you say that you believe or feel something with your heart (rather than your mind)? What does it look like for you to put your heart into something? What do you notice about David’s heart toward God, how do you notice he demonstrates his love for God? What do you think your heat longs for - deep down, what do you want out of life? How, and with what, do you think you have attempted to fulfill that longing? What do you think it would take for you to find total satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ?

When we dialogued about these questions, I didn’t have to wonder why I had to be at youth group tonight. There was something deep inside me that knew that this is where I was meant to be - from isolation back into community, from fear to into faith, from the depth of depravity into divinity.

Maybe, no - I know, the reality is that my heart has not been submitted completely to God because of fear, pain and potential pain, sadness, life’s harsh reality. And so, in my humanity - my depravity, I search for that satisfaction in control, in isolation, in self-destruction, in paralyzing fear. And all along, all I need is Him to fill that void within my heart, to usher forth healing, to remind me of his absolute sovereignty, to deconstruct and demolish my walls that keep me isolated, to remind me of my infinite value because of Jesus’ blood over my life, to free me from all fear besides a healthy fear of Him, and to remind me that I am safe - within my Savior’s arms, he whispers to me, “You are safe”.

And then a deep longing comes from within my heart and soul, “I want to be Wholly Yours! I want to love you with my heart, Wholly, completely.” To love God with my heart, means to love him in the midst of the mess, in the depths of depravity…but it is here that he meets me - “and so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me, making me clean…I am full of earth and dirt and you,” (dc*b).

I want to be Holy. Like You Are.
I am Wholly. Wholly Yours.
I am full of earth and dirt and you.

LIVE. AND LIVE WELL.
LOVE GOD. EMBRACE BEAUTY. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

 

Wholly Yours
by David Crowder*Band

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt
prone to depravity
You are everything
that is bright and clean
the antonym of me
You are divinity

but a certain sign of grace is this
from the broken earth flowers come up
pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
all heaven cries, “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

You are everything that is bright and clean
and You’re covering me with Your majesty
and the truest sign of grace was this
from wounded hands redemption fell down
liberating man

You are holy, holy, holy
all heaven cries, “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

But the harder I try the more clearly can I

feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all
and so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
glory, hallelujah
glory, glory, hallelujah

so here I am
all of me
finally everything
wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly … Yours

 

I am full of earth and dirt and You

posted by kiriaze at 4:58 PM

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Wednesday, January 04, 2006
i miss You

So small and yet so powerful. They can come out of nowhere and surprise you. They can come because of pain and sorrow, but also because of the greatest joy and happiness. And often times they will come when I laugh too hard. Most times I want to hide when they come because they are a physical representation of something much greater going on within me. They come when my heart is deeply stirred.

Last night they came, tears poured forth from sadness and joy - a heart confused.

I can’t really explain why having a good cry, sometimes makes you feel so much better. But it did, mixed with sitting in my favorite place in Portland watching the city lights. Those city lights have always made me feel at peace, for as long as I can remember - my mom and dad would drive me around to get me to sleep at night, and driving in the West Hills looking out at the city lights always calmed me down, brought me peace, and put me to sleep.

I remembered what it is to love the place you’ve grown up all your life. To really appreciate the beauty of home. And I remember just 6 months ago, after returning from Romania wondering as I drove along the river, if I would ever love Portland the way I once had. And I remembered that love last night and yet I love and long to be back in Romania.

My world’s are colliding…The world that I have grown so accustomed to, and the world - a half a world away - that my heart loves like nothing else. It’s the contrast of where I was created (or grown, more realistically) and what I was created for, of where I love to live and live to love, and where I survive and where I thrive…

For almost two years I’ve known I would serve long-term (lifelong) in Romania. And up until this point it’s been virtually easy to believe and prepare for. But I have come to realize the reality of going, what I must leave behind. And I’m not talking about things, but the people who have come to shape, change and mold my life. The people that I can’t imagine being where I’m at, without. It’s those people that you think about at Thanksgiving, and whenever you think of them you can’t help but give thanks for them and the impact and influence they have had on your life. It’s those few people who know you…really know you, sometimes better than you know yourself and who have shared their lives with you in the same way. They’re the people who you want to still know in 10 years, and even after 10 years have passed it’s still like it was yesterday. That just the thought of them brings a smile to your face and joy within your heart. They are the people that make home, truly home - and it’s not about a place, but a feeling.

And so I must count the cost. I know it will be worth it, that there are many more people who will greatly impact my life, and that they are a half a world away from all I have ever known. And so I must go, I want to go, I can’t wait to go. But I will miss all that I leave behind, all that I love behind.

LIVE. AND LIVE WELL.
LOVE GOD. EMBRACE BEAUTY. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

(Note: I’ve been listening endlessly to Shane and Shane and this song is one of my favorites. There is a truth here, something that is so real to me, a deep longing… )

 

 

i miss You
by shane barnard and will hunt

put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine
it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life

 

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are

posted by kiriaze at 12:13 AM

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Friday, November 04, 2005
Matthew 11:28

(artwork from ubcwaco.org)

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…”
- Matthew 11:28

loss
grief
overtaking me
overtaking my soul
tears long to pour forth
yet I hold them back
why does my heart respond like this
shifting thoughts
uncertainty
pain
emptiness
questions racing through my mind
thoughts too profound for words
and words that will ever be enough
yet a heart stirred
a life changed
that longs to be well lived
reminding of the purpose
that every moment counts
that every encounter be embraced
that tomorrow may never come
yet today is here
so I must live
I choose to live
and not just survive
but to thrive
and to live fully alive
even in the midst
of sorrow
of heartache
there is joy
You are my joy
and in the loss
there is gratitude
for the impact
of one life touching another
for the encouragement
for the wisdom
for the speaking to my heart
that which my heart longs to say
there are words
and a connection
an understanding
and there is faith
there is hope
there is love
sacrificial love
unending love
indelible love
and I live in that love
alive
fully alive
today
now

Grief is so unexplainable. There are words and then there aren’t words. and when you finally think you have the words, they hardly express all that is going on deep within you - within your heart, mind and soul. Grief brings an array of emotion - anger, emptiness, loss, hurt, sadness, joy…unexplainable joy. This week has been a week of grieving and of loss.

By now, you may have heard about Kyle Lake, the pastor in Texas who was electrocuted and died last Sunday during a baptism service at his church. From all that I have heard, he was a friend to everyone he met. He was a jokester and yet he loved and lived like there was no tomorrow. But what I know about Kyle is that he longed to share the love of Christ, the love that he experienced in his own life, to all those around him - especially the students in Waco, Texas at Baylor University. He longed to offer them an encounter with Christ that was far from the dry, formulaic expression they had come to call familiar. He wanted them to live life, live life to the fullest.

For the past number of weeks, I have had the privilege to listen to Kyle. I have learned from Kyle. I have been challenged by Kyle. I have been encouraged by Kyle. And my life has been and will forever be blessed and changed by Kyle and his ministry. Kyle has a way of simply articulating things that have been on my heart, and thoughts that I have wrestled with deep within my soul.

You see, with today’s technology, I have weekly, downloaded Kyle’s sermons to my iPod, through iTunes. I stumbled across Kyle’s sermons prior to the release of David Crowder*Band’s most recent album, A Collision (3+4=7). Kyle was the lead pastor at the church and the home of the David Crowder*Band. In fact, Kyle, David Crowder and Chris Seay (Robbie Seay’s brother, currently on tour with DC*B) started University Baptist Church (ubcwaco.org) in Waco, Texas ten years ago, longing to reach the next generation. So, as it would be, I stumbled across Kyle.

Overwhelmed, I’ve questioned why God would take someone like Kyle home so soon. I wonder why so many people had to be watching as something so tragic took place. And then I wonder, am I ready to go? Not to Romania, but home, am I truly ready? When my bags should always be packed, I wonder if more realistically I am living out of my open suitcase. Do I merely live in light of what is to come - tomorrow, Romania, etc.? Or is my life marked by living for today, living in today, living TODAY? What if tomorrow never comes? Will I know that I lived well today?

In the midst of confusion, overwhelming my thoughts and feelings, I hear my Savior calling me, calling each of us to himself, “…I will give you rest…” As my heart still hurts and grieves the loss of Kyle, and other losses that have once again been stirred, I find myself safe in the arms of my Jesus. It is there I find peace and comfort, the courage to live! To live well!

And I am encouraged, again by Kyle - by his life and in his death. In my grieving, I was listening to Kyle’s funeral which was posed to the UBC site this week. The last thing read at Kyle’s service was this excerpt. It is an encouragement to “Live life to its fullest” as Kyle always encouraged. The most amazing and liberating thing about this excerpt is that these are Kyle’s last words. They are from the last sermon he wrote, they are the last paragraph he ever typed, but was never able to preach. He encouraged us to live and live well.

Live. And Live Well.
BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done - a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

- Kyle Lake: from the last sermon he wrote,
the last paragraph he ever typed/prepared for
Sunday, October 30th, 2005 yet never preached
ubcwaco.org

So to living and living well! To loving and loving well! To those who come in and forever change our lives!
To Kyle Lake, and all the Kyle Lake’s in my life!

WHOLLY HIS
ALL THIS FOR OUR GREAT AND GLORIOUS KING †

posted by kiriaze at 1:03 PM

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Friday, October 21, 2005
Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,
for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
- Joshua 1:9

posted by kiriaze at 3:46 PM

from http://opraisehim.blogspot.com Monday, July 18, 2005
Jeremiah 10:23

I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own;
it is not for a man to direct his steps.
-Jeremiah 10:23

It’s been just over two weeks since I’ve returned from Romania. It is amazing how we are created beings who have such deep longings within our souls. We want things and we even believe we need certain things - I’m convinced we need far less than what we really think we need. We miss things, especially people - those who have come to touch and change our lives in ways that we could never have imagined. And we desire, so deeply, and from this desire is a deep longing within our souls to be who we were created to be, to live the life we were created to live.

I know that I was created for heaven, I long for heaven, to know my creator and to see Him face to face. But this side of heaven, my heart longs for Romania, like I’ve never longed for anything else in life. I’ve never questioned belonging before. I never really wondered all these years if I belonged where God had placed me. That is until I arrived in Romania. I experienced what it is to live the abundant life, to be fully alive (John 10:10). I had glimpses of this before I left, but never imagined the fulfillment of following and obeying God’s call.

What an amazing call it is, when you hear and respond to the voice of God. I remember, it was January 2004, after 2 1/2 years in Seminary at Multnomah I was in the home stretch. I was almost finished with school and suddenly I began to sense a call to serve abroad long-term. I had no idea where this was coming from, but somewhere deep within, my heart was being stirred. In February, it became certain to me that God was calling me to serve him on mission somewhere other than where I was and everything I had always know. I remember the evening I knelt before the Lord in tears, holding open hands telling Him I would serve Him wherever he called me to go. After serving short term in Ukraine, God continued to “refine my vision and focus my passion.” It was April 6th, 2004, a Tuesday, when it became so clear to me, that I would serve long-term in Romania, a country I had yet to even visit. Now fifteen months later, I know and love the call, but I love the one who calls even more.

He who calls, calls out to me and calls me out. He calls me from all that I know, all that is comforting and all that I love to a life of RISK, a life worth living - fully alive. He calls me from darkness into the light to be a light to those around me. He calls me from deep wounds to heal and be used by him to usher forth healing in the lives of others. He calls me from shame to grace through His cross to delight in others and to learn to be delighted in. He calls me chosen. He calls me forgiven. He calls me daughter. He calls me beloved. He calls me His bride. And because He calls and I am called, my life is His and it is not my own - for it’s His name and His renown that is the desire of my soul.

And so it is, for His name and His renown, I respond to the call and the one who calls. And as he directs my steps, I will follow Him, continuing to grow in love for the Romanian people.

ALL THIS FOR OUR GREAT KING

posted by kiriaze at 11:39 AM